Lacking

Will it be a legitimate excuse if tomorrow morning my friend hands my Professor a note that says, "Please excuse e for not doing my homework. I died a little when I saw it. I died a little when I saw my grades and I died a little when I realised my own inadequacy. It was in this state of helpless deadness that I neglected to do my homework. Please feel free to come to my funeral and bury with my lifeless body all the Economics homework which I neglected to do so I can complete it in the state I did all my other assignments- cold, flaccid, uninspired deadness." I am trying so hard to care right now. To care about the fact that I am flunking half of my classes. To care about the fact that I haven't actually attended any of my classes. To care about the fact that my deadlines are lingering scarily close, as close as my proverbial knife to my wrist and so hard to care about the fact that my efforts so far have been C+. All I care about this time is that all the work I have done this semester has been done with the cautiousness, and almost fear of an adult poking a presumably dead lizard with a long stick in an attempt to throw it away. What I care about is that last semester I had learned to use my brain,a in creativity in ways that I had not believed myself capable of. Last semester for me had been a revelation. This semester, it seems that my brain has become much like my laptop. I try to open a new window, and I have to wait 5 minutes for a response. Every time I attempt save new thing it crashes from the overload and the sleepless nights, for both of us, and the saving, and researching, and erasing of the multiplicity of documents in the small memory of my seven desktops with motivating quotes and wild music on each of them that spurs me to stay up all night. I felt inspired and proud as I managed to do my assignments in such a planned and timely manner, but my efforts are C+. Why even bother? In the midst of this existential crisis that I seem to have every month, I wonder once again, What is the purpose of my uninspired, uncreative life where I am learning things for the sake of learning? "I want to sit in a random class just to learn" as my friend put it so eloquently. the curiosity, the thirst they introduced me to in the first semester has been squashed under the plethora of formalities and necessities and I am struggling to keep my head above water. Intimidated by the achievements and ambitions of everyone else, I am dying slowly trying to figure out what I even want! I want to be inspired again! I want to think again and come up with those wonderful thoughts that made me feel smart and insightful but unfortunately I am just B- in Critical Thinking. I want to write, eloquently, in the way that every other girl in my college seems to write. I want a sense of uniqueness or at least an identity of my own which seems to merging and melting into Tumblr and cuteness! God! This is to me. Emotional rants and slam poetry and aww and cooing and puppies is not me! Is it? Am I sure? Am I sure of who 'me'' is? Maybe Im life every other girl. Maybe I am all facade and nothing else. I don't even know my own facade anymore. My mask has been painted over with smiles and rainbows and unicorns and I don't know what to who I am. Should facts help me then? Removed from the world inside my own mind, I should try to find solace in facts and figures and numbers and the convergent thinking that leads to the one answer that teachers require. But I'm still drowning. I feel like a part of me is lacking. A part of me is trying to wake up and make the rest of me care but my insides are black and blank and hollow. The spark has died out. maybe I should paint, and pray that spark, the will to live, and the creativity, the raison de etre returns.