Birthdays

This post is for a certain someone who won't be turning 19 tonight because he decided that being an adult was not for him. His behaviour was so 'grown up' but he was so childish. So stubborn! So set in his ways that it tore us apart. Or maybe it was the fact that I was the same way. He won't be turning 19 tonight because he'll be with the stars, high (which he was last year as well :p) and smiling at my chocolate covered face. I used to love birthdays. Even when the very people who should be celebrating didn't. I loved birthdays not because I was happy for them but because I was happy for me. I celebrated birthdays because I am happy that they were born, and I was grateful that I met them and I was overjoyed that they make my life what it is. I remembered his because it was the first one I probably ever learnt. I miss him. so much. everyday. Its been 11 months since you've been gone, but you always had a habit of disappearing, didn't you? Is that why I still keep expecting you to show up? Well, being born, and dying are the two most important things about being, and having been. So I guess, now 'birth'day is obsolete. I will celebrate next month your death day because I'm pretty sure you prefer that to the social construct of attending college. Not that you would care much anyway. But you're gone. And I bet you're up to your old tricks up in heaven. I expect to see fireworks and starbursts and lightning and smoke in the sky tonight. Is firdaus even in the same time zone as us? Me. Not 'us' anymore. But love, Im still thinking about the way I did every year on your birthday when you had been missing. You were the first person I stayed up till 12 with. When you were in Goa and called me up all day because it was your birthday and you missed my voice and you flew back the next day and that was the last day we met. Love, I hope you remember it, because I do today. And I hope I will always. Goodnight. Happy almost birthday.

-April 14th, 2016