Inspired by Try- Colbie Caillat, Body Love by Mary Lambert and several other videos and slams targeting women with self esteem and body issues, I figured I'd give in my input as well.
I am an average girl. I am not too fat, not too thin. Just right? Nope, its all wrong. We all have our perceived problems, regardless of what size we are. They are self induced or just permeated through the judgment in our general atmosphere. My best friends are super thin and utterly gorgeous yet I hear them complain. All the plus sized girls only wail in front of the mirror. Me? I'm not supposed to complain. Don't I get to decide that? My stomach spills out of any tight piece of clothing I love and I look funny in clothes that are a size bigger. Plus sized girls are stunning! They can wear tight clothes are flaunt their curves like nobody's business. I have all the wrong ones.
I have dabbled with a whole lot of self esteem issues and what I am now makes it all fairly conclusive- I am what I am. I like how I am. I don't dress up for a boyfriend. I dress up for the mirror. I don't brush my hair to look cute in class. I don't bother changing my clothes so I have a new look everyday. I am lazy! But I know when I want to look nice, I want it so I can gaze into the mirror and feel proud, happy and sated. When I look nice, I actually compliment myself before I allow anyone else to complete a sentence. This is the major crisis in our lives- our self worth depends on what others think. others say and others react. Newsflash- No one cares! Well, maybe they do but I tend to ignore them. I only found true happiness when I created a bubble around me, impenetrable by the scathing remarks and judgmental stares. I'm like that.
Eating disorders are a whole different story. No one in the universe can get you to shove your fingers down your throat, press it till it is sore and regurgitate all that you consumed, purging it with all the guilt, negativity and shame you now associate with food, but yourself. Anorexia becomes easier really. Instead of sauntering into the kitchen like you usually do, just redirect yourself to the mirror and lift up your shirt. It doesn't matter if your world revolves around food like mine does, you will lose all appetite. It is painful and stupid and ridiculously unhealthy and I can only blame myself.
Every boy constantly tells me how pretty I am, or their gazes do, but that is never good enough. I need to be pretty for myself and its a might high bar I set. However, I can't ignore every time I feel weak and dizzy, sleeping 10 hours a day because I'm faint, I can't lift weights anymore, I can barely lift my arms, and the persisting head ache which is a constant reminder of this secret you can't share because you know it's wrong but you will do it anyway because you are sick and tired of comparing yourself in everything and still coming up short. Eating disorders are not borne out of a feeling of being overweight or not pretty. They are a culmination of every problem, every shortcoming, all the times you feel you are not good enough. The same things that push people to smoke or drink. Bulimia is an outlet. In my fantasy, every time I looked into the bathroom mirror, I could hear someone scream -"You are fat and ugly and unloved!", "You flunked! Again!", "Name one thing anyone could actually like about you!" I am always at a loss for words. Having purged myself, I look back at the reflection at the eyes stinging with tears of pain and breathlessness, the red eyes making my face look blotched and I face the pot yet again to relieve myself of every last morsel I consumed, never feeling satisfied yet instantly hit by the growling of an empty stomach. Sleep comes easily after this, my body exhausting any fuel it may have had, falling in my bed as if the puppet master just snipped my strings.
I do this for myself. I do this because of myself. I don't regret it, though I do realize there are better ways. What can I say, I'm an impatient child.
I am an average girl. I am not too fat, not too thin. Just right? Nope, its all wrong. We all have our perceived problems, regardless of what size we are. They are self induced or just permeated through the judgment in our general atmosphere. My best friends are super thin and utterly gorgeous yet I hear them complain. All the plus sized girls only wail in front of the mirror. Me? I'm not supposed to complain. Don't I get to decide that? My stomach spills out of any tight piece of clothing I love and I look funny in clothes that are a size bigger. Plus sized girls are stunning! They can wear tight clothes are flaunt their curves like nobody's business. I have all the wrong ones.
I have dabbled with a whole lot of self esteem issues and what I am now makes it all fairly conclusive- I am what I am. I like how I am. I don't dress up for a boyfriend. I dress up for the mirror. I don't brush my hair to look cute in class. I don't bother changing my clothes so I have a new look everyday. I am lazy! But I know when I want to look nice, I want it so I can gaze into the mirror and feel proud, happy and sated. When I look nice, I actually compliment myself before I allow anyone else to complete a sentence. This is the major crisis in our lives- our self worth depends on what others think. others say and others react. Newsflash- No one cares! Well, maybe they do but I tend to ignore them. I only found true happiness when I created a bubble around me, impenetrable by the scathing remarks and judgmental stares. I'm like that.
Eating disorders are a whole different story. No one in the universe can get you to shove your fingers down your throat, press it till it is sore and regurgitate all that you consumed, purging it with all the guilt, negativity and shame you now associate with food, but yourself. Anorexia becomes easier really. Instead of sauntering into the kitchen like you usually do, just redirect yourself to the mirror and lift up your shirt. It doesn't matter if your world revolves around food like mine does, you will lose all appetite. It is painful and stupid and ridiculously unhealthy and I can only blame myself.
Every boy constantly tells me how pretty I am, or their gazes do, but that is never good enough. I need to be pretty for myself and its a might high bar I set. However, I can't ignore every time I feel weak and dizzy, sleeping 10 hours a day because I'm faint, I can't lift weights anymore, I can barely lift my arms, and the persisting head ache which is a constant reminder of this secret you can't share because you know it's wrong but you will do it anyway because you are sick and tired of comparing yourself in everything and still coming up short. Eating disorders are not borne out of a feeling of being overweight or not pretty. They are a culmination of every problem, every shortcoming, all the times you feel you are not good enough. The same things that push people to smoke or drink. Bulimia is an outlet. In my fantasy, every time I looked into the bathroom mirror, I could hear someone scream -"You are fat and ugly and unloved!", "You flunked! Again!", "Name one thing anyone could actually like about you!" I am always at a loss for words. Having purged myself, I look back at the reflection at the eyes stinging with tears of pain and breathlessness, the red eyes making my face look blotched and I face the pot yet again to relieve myself of every last morsel I consumed, never feeling satisfied yet instantly hit by the growling of an empty stomach. Sleep comes easily after this, my body exhausting any fuel it may have had, falling in my bed as if the puppet master just snipped my strings.
I do this for myself. I do this because of myself. I don't regret it, though I do realize there are better ways. What can I say, I'm an impatient child.
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