Fear

Its almost 4 a.m. and I'm trying to sleep but the weight of the crumbing world that I can feel lodged at my waist is too heavy for me to turn and sigh myself into a slumber. I had the crushing realisation that in less than 12 hours I have a test. A test I know nothing for. A test which will decide whether or not I have to repeat this course next semester. I am sitting here under the crushing weight of the crumbling life on my shoulders disappointed and dead. The chunks, the debris of this crashing world is now lodged in my throat because all that can escape is a whimper. The crushing realisation is that for 6 months, I did not work. I did not even try. And now, in a little less than 12 hours, I have the test from the course I neglected for 6 months. Given, I am a fuck up, I had confidence in my ability to bullshot my way through life, to at least manage theory even if I am sub par at graphs and utterly hopeless with numerical. A realisation has come that my past tests are glaring evidence that I cannot, in fact, even manage theory. 15 chapters. A little less than 12 hours. A panic stricken 19 year old who has run out of people to ask for help. I am doomed. I wish I were dead but for once I have something to live for, though I fear in the daylight tomorrow, it will be snatched from me and I will be able to do nothing about it because i dont deserve it and i have to face that. I am in my Hogwarts but it is too expensive, and my grades are not up to the mark and I just don't deserve it. The dust from the rubble of my crushing realisations stuck in my back and my waist is rising to my stomach, tickling the insides making me giddy. A 19 year old, panicked, scared, disappointed, wishing to die. As always. Escape, because death is the easy way out. It is my escapist attitude that has brought me here. Had it not been for my cowardly conscious succumbing to my fear, I would have been over with this hell 4 days ago, with half the effort but alas, I am stupid. There is no denying it. I ask not for pity. Only wish to share the debris and sparks and the crushed universe that has fallen from my shoulders, blocking now my throat and my chest and the base of my back because this is what fear feels like. Not like nightmares and horror movies, like real life and adult things.